I go with the motions , and all I am is NUMB...

I find everyday that Im lifeless... Im tryin' to find meaning in it all again , but no one really gets or understands where Im at in it all . People are all about themselves and most will say that they care , when they have the time too care , but nobody has the time so they don't bother and you find yourself respecting the fact that they don't have time for you . I woke up this morning wondering "Wow! " Im here again" Im so lost. I wake up with the feeling of " Why ? " So I can be told Im doin' this wrong or that wrong , how Im not the perfect parent and never claimed to be ? I know the only reason I exist is for my soulmate that I love dearly and my cat and dog . Thats the real reason , Im temporary in everything else . Your only a parent for a little while and then when the children grow up u end up alone and your lucky if they come over to visit at all and hopefully they come for holidays . Im so stagnant , I have been focusing on this whole time on preparing the house for my grandbaby , and my daughter decides shes gonna go live with her boyfriend for a while , so now I do the preparing for myself now , which is good , my husband and I deserve to have a nice place also . I guess Im just not use to do things for me anymore . Maybe now Im doin' stuff for me and being allowed to do so. All in all my life is good , I guess Im not use to having my child away from me , but they all grow up and I would have loved that it could have been goin' away to college , and leaving me that way would have been awesome cuz we would still be close , but I don't think the way it is now , that her and I will ever be that close again and I guess thats the part of me that is wilting away and dying and I feel soo sad about it but theres nothing I can do about it . I just hope that when that part of me does fade away that I won't look back cuz it would really make me feel like I lost time and time is just too dam precious .

Wow! It gets more action packed by the day! : )

So I am sitting in my back guesthouse, which is my studio , and Im just so excited! Right now we are having our kitchen and our bathroom in our Hollywood house remodeled , so im kind of stuck out in the back cuz the fumes are so bad . I have been enjoying , in the last few months this whole journaling , blogging thing , to where I have even got into photography a little more extensively and am estatic about enbarking into a not so new craft but rather getting pro with it . I have also gotten into scrapbooking and am waiting on my kit in the mail as I speak , also excited about that . I have been feeling very unusually different about things and I thinking this would be healthy for me to journal all the stuff that I love and what makes me blue and what makes me feel alive just so I can remember who I am because lately I have forgotten who I am STRONGLY! So things are looking up , Im excited for alot of things , the remodeling of my houses and my grandbaby being born in just a couple of weeks.

Here we go with the same ol' same ol'...

So Im off to have lunch with the mom of my daughters boyfriend . See I haven't told the story of my daughter , so I will tell the cliffnote version she is a teen pregnancy and so its been a serious journey of ups and downs with her , with the boyfriend , with the boyfriends parents . so we are getting a babyshower organized and its been fun but , you know the boy is still a boy and wants to do boy things like basically go out with friends and thats fine but daughter just gets all grown up about it and he ends up being by her side . You say , " well good for him ! " well he reaLLY doesn't want to be their and then starts acting like a 5 year old , and why do we have to go through that crap just let him go be a boy and she can do what she will do , take care of her and her child and she's a really talented filmmaker , she has a good strong chance to go to one of the best films schools in california but i can tell this guy could potentially get in the way , not the baby cuz im taking care of her but the boyfriend , because he is a boy! so I'll take some pictures and blog them up here and let you know how it goes , wish me luck for those of u who read this crazy stuff : P