I go with the motions , and all I am is NUMB...

I find everyday that Im lifeless... Im tryin' to find meaning in it all again , but no one really gets or understands where Im at in it all . People are all about themselves and most will say that they care , when they have the time too care , but nobody has the time so they don't bother and you find yourself respecting the fact that they don't have time for you . I woke up this morning wondering "Wow! " Im here again" Im so lost. I wake up with the feeling of " Why ? " So I can be told Im doin' this wrong or that wrong , how Im not the perfect parent and never claimed to be ? I know the only reason I exist is for my soulmate that I love dearly and my cat and dog . Thats the real reason , Im temporary in everything else . Your only a parent for a little while and then when the children grow up u end up alone and your lucky if they come over to visit at all and hopefully they come for holidays . Im so stagnant , I have been focusing on this whole time on preparing the house for my grandbaby , and my daughter decides shes gonna go live with her boyfriend for a while , so now I do the preparing for myself now , which is good , my husband and I deserve to have a nice place also . I guess Im just not use to do things for me anymore . Maybe now Im doin' stuff for me and being allowed to do so. All in all my life is good , I guess Im not use to having my child away from me , but they all grow up and I would have loved that it could have been goin' away to college , and leaving me that way would have been awesome cuz we would still be close , but I don't think the way it is now , that her and I will ever be that close again and I guess thats the part of me that is wilting away and dying and I feel soo sad about it but theres nothing I can do about it . I just hope that when that part of me does fade away that I won't look back cuz it would really make me feel like I lost time and time is just too dam precious .