I go with the motions , and all I am is NUMB...

I find everyday that Im lifeless... Im tryin' to find meaning in it all again , but no one really gets or understands where Im at in it all . People are all about themselves and most will say that they care , when they have the time too care , but nobody has the time so they don't bother and you find yourself respecting the fact that they don't have time for you . I woke up this morning wondering "Wow! " Im here again" Im so lost. I wake up with the feeling of " Why ? " So I can be told Im doin' this wrong or that wrong , how Im not the perfect parent and never claimed to be ? I know the only reason I exist is for my soulmate that I love dearly and my cat and dog . Thats the real reason , Im temporary in everything else . Your only a parent for a little while and then when the children grow up u end up alone and your lucky if they come over to visit at all and hopefully they come for holidays . Im so stagnant , I have been focusing on this whole time on preparing the house for my grandbaby , and my daughter decides shes gonna go live with her boyfriend for a while , so now I do the preparing for myself now , which is good , my husband and I deserve to have a nice place also . I guess Im just not use to do things for me anymore . Maybe now Im doin' stuff for me and being allowed to do so. All in all my life is good , I guess Im not use to having my child away from me , but they all grow up and I would have loved that it could have been goin' away to college , and leaving me that way would have been awesome cuz we would still be close , but I don't think the way it is now , that her and I will ever be that close again and I guess thats the part of me that is wilting away and dying and I feel soo sad about it but theres nothing I can do about it . I just hope that when that part of me does fade away that I won't look back cuz it would really make me feel like I lost time and time is just too dam precious .

Wow! It gets more action packed by the day! : )

So I am sitting in my back guesthouse, which is my studio , and Im just so excited! Right now we are having our kitchen and our bathroom in our Hollywood house remodeled , so im kind of stuck out in the back cuz the fumes are so bad . I have been enjoying , in the last few months this whole journaling , blogging thing , to where I have even got into photography a little more extensively and am estatic about enbarking into a not so new craft but rather getting pro with it . I have also gotten into scrapbooking and am waiting on my kit in the mail as I speak , also excited about that . I have been feeling very unusually different about things and I thinking this would be healthy for me to journal all the stuff that I love and what makes me blue and what makes me feel alive just so I can remember who I am because lately I have forgotten who I am STRONGLY! So things are looking up , Im excited for alot of things , the remodeling of my houses and my grandbaby being born in just a couple of weeks.

Here we go with the same ol' same ol'...

So Im off to have lunch with the mom of my daughters boyfriend . See I haven't told the story of my daughter , so I will tell the cliffnote version she is a teen pregnancy and so its been a serious journey of ups and downs with her , with the boyfriend , with the boyfriends parents . so we are getting a babyshower organized and its been fun but , you know the boy is still a boy and wants to do boy things like basically go out with friends and thats fine but daughter just gets all grown up about it and he ends up being by her side . You say , " well good for him ! " well he reaLLY doesn't want to be their and then starts acting like a 5 year old , and why do we have to go through that crap just let him go be a boy and she can do what she will do , take care of her and her child and she's a really talented filmmaker , she has a good strong chance to go to one of the best films schools in california but i can tell this guy could potentially get in the way , not the baby cuz im taking care of her but the boyfriend , because he is a boy! so I'll take some pictures and blog them up here and let you know how it goes , wish me luck for those of u who read this crazy stuff : P

What today is like... well... this is everyday LOL!

So this is my everyday thing when I get a chance to stay home and get house stuff done . I get up , have my coffee ,fold my laundry and watch a bit of today show with Matt Lauber and them , then while im doin' all of the above Im embroidering little christmas ornament things for decorations for the holiday , being that Im gonna be a grandma, I want new decorations this year. Im like a octopus or a spider .Until the next blog , talk to ya next time ... thanks for listening...

Wow ! Im startin' to like this blog thang!

So here I am finding that Im really bloggin' everyday lately , it's like I look forward to telling and showing you whats goin' on in my life . Today is friday and I am still very excited for my new remodeling project I was telling you about a couple of bloggs ago . That is comin' together nicely . I will show some pictures of the demolition when that happens , its kinda scary . My father n law hasn't been doin' to well . Its sad because he's such a great guy and he ended up so overwhelmed with life that he's in the Phsyc ward in a hospital . He really doesn't need to be there , but nobody understands him and he gets so upset when people can't understand his point he starts screaming , but the people involved dont get that they shouldn't argue with him they should just agree and he stops but for some of us in this family like my nephew and his grandma , they just go at it with him which leads to him ... well being where he his . I hope he will be out this weekend . I have realized that you shouldn't waste your time arguing , I mean what good does it really do ya? It just makes everybody all angry and you just waste time doin' it when you could have been catchin' a great movie or doin' a project . So I have made a new goal not to agrue with anyone like my daughter who thinks she knows everything , she's 17 and pregnant ! oh yeah LOL! she knows alot alright! ha ha ha , I dont' mean to laugh but i need to see the light in my worries . I certainly cant' stand arguing with my nephew Mike because he's like his grandma and dad he loves to argue for the sake of arguing . I dont' really argue with my soulmate anymore these days and I hope it stays that way .Things are gettin' better around here , and I see life as a lesson to be learned everyday . I always have to remind myself that Im lucky ! and that I have a great life and so much more life to experience and sometimes its gonna be stormy and other times its gonna be super sunny , but that its just all transitory , it really is , its so temporary that you have to continue to make good times so that everyday will be a sunny day . I ride the stormy ones but I always remind myself there TEMPORARY!

Thanks for listening!

Mi cAsA En hOLly Dr. iN HOlLyWOoD : D

So... last weekend was fun , Dave and Mikey went to Agua ( thats what we call Agua dulce house for short LOL! ) so they went off and Im sure for them it was a vacation from the girls , little do they know it was vacation from the boys : P
So.. we cleaned up the house and got ready for our first photo shoot with Jake and Julie ( my friends , michelle's, little ones ) so , the next day we got up and did the photo shoot .

This is Krystal taking her first shots of the cRAzY kIds! :o

This is a shot of Julie in her costume she's a real cutie !


This one is really cute of Jake and Julie walkin' down da street.






This one is really cute , their all cute pictures , there isn't one bad one honestly!



We then headed down to the Blvd. where we hit " Da tUnNel ! "



The neighborhood , alot of people out here are Obamaist.. Im still undecided though...



This is a house pass the tunnel a neighbor strong about Buddhism and not afraid to put it in their front yard , Hollywood is
amazing! : P



So we head on out to the Blvd...



We then end up in the pit of Hollywood where all the tourist are and we get seperated by the busy signal light .... Boy I need to loose some weight seriously! , but that will be a different blog : \



We ended up at a famouse costume store called of course , " Hollywood Costume Company " and Krystal found a scary baby with two heads and did this picture , being that she is preggers herself , joking of course her baby is very healthy .



We then decided lets go to the kodak pit where the tourist really live and have some fun there and we met up with john wayne we didn't think he was real and Krystal says , " why does he have a pouch of money ? ", we didnt' catch on to that and we weren't sayin' really good things either , " we were sayin' stuff like , " he's not real , he wouldn't look that leathery " and Michelle goes , " eeeewww! " and he touches one of the kids and we all scream LOL! good times I tell ya , and we apologized to the john wayne . : )




Krystal started to get a little tired so we decided to head back home and take the metro , which ironically I had never taken before in Hollywood , I mean , i have taken' it in other places like in Europe and Peru but never around here so I was a little excited!



This is my friend Michelle , we have known eachother forever , we are good friends because we can turn our problems into laughing matters and not see them as such a big deal . We also can tell eachother anything and when we get mad we put it all on the table and then we're still friends . Im thankful everyday for the things and people o hala gives me , and Im very thankful to have Michelle and Jake and Julie in my lifes , we had alot of fun on this day out in Hollywood and I can't wait to hang out with them again. : )



So we're headin' back home , what a day...



Back in the tunnel again...



Well that was fun until the next time...

Alot of things to look forward too! : P

I find that lately , life is really exciting . My family and I have been through so much heartache that now , I guess we're so use to it , so at one point you become numb . Now that we know that everything is the same ol' same ol' , we have been getting back into our craft and starting new ones . My daughter Krystal has decided to take photography as one of her major art classes , so I decided to join her . Im so excited , we went on ebay an bought two canon AE-1's and we have been taking pictures on an old school kind of camera , its been fun to bond and have a craft we like to do together . We both like the same crafts so its nice to pep eachother up .Im new to this whole blog thing and I dont know if anyone is reading them but I must say its nice to able to write down what is exciting in my life and let people in my world because its pretty amazing. I love my life , I have a great soulmate and a beautiful daughter , a wonderful nephew ( even though all can be a doozy LOL! )

Like I said , good things are happening , these pictures are of my desert house in a little town called Agua Dulce... yes sweetwater , I love this town , its home away from home , I have my city home out here in Hollywood and then the desert casa. These are pictures of my ol' rickety house that Im about to remodel , Im a little scared and excited at the same time .
This my porch and in this picture my kitchen will be extended to where my porch use to be . SCARY! but I will have a much bigger kitchen so EXCITING! My porch will be extended 24 feet! so its not a porch anymore its gonna be a deck.



This is gonna be extended 24 feet! SCARY!

What everyday brings...

This picture of me is from my rock band I am in called In From Zero . I guess you can say I am a jack of all trades . I am a mom , a clothing designer , Im crafty and Im a wife . Yesterday I realized alot of things . Some things just never change in the people that you love and try to help in the right direction . They ended up being people that don't understand why you don't understand them . I guess Im making ya all a little lost in my thought here... well let me explain .

My husband David , has a brother named Mike . Anyway to make a long story short , my brother n law had a wife and a son , lost them to his heroin addiction , we put the wife and him in rehab, sent the wife to live with her mom and became guardians to their son , who is now living with us today .
When I say this life has been a journey , I really mean it has ! I do not kid you one bit . My nephew is now 17 and is a senior in high school , he has plans to go to Cal-Poly Pomona where he will major in computer science . My daughter is in school with him and is the same age and grade in high school as he , but she plans to attend Cal-Arts and major in film . I say to myself I have one more year and the troubles I have been enduring with the parents of my nephew will be HIS problems . You see my brother n law is obsessed with his wife . She wants nothing to do with him, but when he offers a good time , she'll take off with him for some fun , she uses and abuses my brother n law . He wants to control his situation with her ,that he then starts to herass us for his son , just to get her to play house for one moment and because we know this is all not good for their son we say no , and all the threats kick in .This has been going on since we have taken guardianship over the boy when he was 14.
I find that my husband and daughter and I are warriors , I guess thats why this picture is pretty important and sentimental . Everyday that goes I dont know how the day is gonna go or end at the end of the day because these people love drama and the next thing I know we are in it . Its kinda sad because , we have three hide outs that we take off to so that they can't find us . Luckily my father n mother n law have a place in palm springs and everytime we know that my sister n law is coming to town and my brother n law finds out , we just escape to that place and shut all our phones down . Sad but true . Now , Im not lookin' for a poor me and frankly , I dont even know if anyone is even reading this , I guess thats why I write it because it is my journal and if anyone is listening great! I hope I dont scare you , but Its really an understanding for myself . My poor husband David . The guy I met when I was 20 is really not the same guy anymore , he's gotten a bit cold and angry and he always loved his brother and cared so much for him but these days is really starting to hate him for all the stuff he's done to hurt this family . My mother n law is so physcho because of brother Mike and always puts it on poor Dave . All I can do is be here for him and for the other two , my daughter and nephew .

So today... actually I look forward to today , Im cleaning my house preparing for some company to come over today , its an old friend of Daves named Allen . He's a guy that Dave has known since they were 15 years old! and he found Dave after all these years . I think this is what Dave needs . He needs an old friend to play music with so he can feel alive again . Isn't that what lifes about? ...Feelin' and believin' in your dreams and looking forward to the future because it is sooo brite and beautiful? Im soo tired of thinking about these people that don't deserve my families love or time , they take it all for granted and basically are selfish bastards really . I think my family and I want to look ahead and continue this journey on a different note... without those who need to move on an figure theire shit out themselves! Amen to that! Thanks for those of you who read this stuff , not always is it gonna be as heavy as this , their are fun and crazy times too! So stay tuned! : P

My Life has been an interesting journey...

I must say , who I am and where I'm at today has been absolutely amazing . Before i became a wife and a mom I had already seen so much of the world , and I thank my step dad for that . By the time i was 6 years old I had seen a side of the world that I would later go back to when I was 18 and 24 . I always felt I was unusual , different . My parents had split up when I was 5 , actually it was rather drastic on my fathers part , you see we had moved to Thailand , my father was thai and my mother was mexican -american and we had lived there for a year. It was nice , I got to know all my cousins , aunts and uncles , my grandparents , I got to see what it was like to be in a third world country , I learned how to speak thai and I learned Buddihism and went to temples and thought how amazing the gold statues were . Then one day , I didn't see my dad anymore , he had one day went off to work at the family business and never came back . My mother was sad , and knew he was ok , but she knew he was up to no good . After 7 months of not knowing what he was up to , my mom discovered he had had another family , another wife and other children . My father had told my mom that it was legal in thailand to have many wives and that he loved us very much and to basically excepted it . My mother being a strong american women who had alot of respect for herself and for me said she would not stand for that and we went back to America . I didn't see my father for many years and my mom ended up marrying , as weird as it was , my fathers friend who was also thai and had known me since I was a baby .It was hard for me at first to except my step dad , but he was very understanding to what I was feeling . He sat me down one day and told me when i was about 7 years old , that he knew that he wasn't my dad and that he wasn't trying to be , that he just wanted to be there for me if my dad wasnt' . I remember smiling and saying , " OK " and I gave him a hug and a kiss. I love my step dad very much , I never really knew my real dad after my mom and him had divorced , I met him again when I was 16 , only because he wanted me to give him a green card ,but I couldn't until I was 18 and well he never came back after that . I then went back to Thailand to visit again at 18 and my dad didn't seem like my dad to me anymore , he just seemed like a man I just knew . It was rather sad really , but i didn't have a heart toward him , I mind my manners around him and that was it .I have many brothers and sisters and they have never even come looking for me , I thought that maybe someday they would, but still I haven't heard from them yet . I am proud of who I am and what I am and where I come from . I am not ashamed for how my life has turned out and I thank my step dad everyday for raising me to be a really great person . He taught me to respect and be respected and to stay earthy and grounded and not to take anything for granted in this life . I believe in the Buddihist philosphy strongly , it is my back bone . I love life everyday no matter how hard it gets and i know its just a test to my higherself so its all good . I have met a really great guy who believes in the same things I believe . He is my soulmate , his name is Dave I love him very much along with my daughter Krystal Rose , who with Dave , have raised her in the same belefs and she's a wonderul girl .

Well here's to new beginnings....

Hi! everyone this is my very first Blog! How exciting for me! i thought since im always writting in a journal , i would really put myself to the test by writting in a blog in hopes that because the world reads it i will accomplish more in my dreams and goals.Im here to speak and show you what im gonna do , how im gonna do it , and what the outcome will be in the end of what will be an accomplishment . Let me start by telling you about me as it goes...
My name is Maryann i live in Hollywood , I am a fashion designer , went to design school over 10 years ago and graduated and 3 months after i got my first job as a costumer for " Power Rangers ". I loved that job very much , i mean i was 25 years old graduated from design school , excepting the fact that everyone in design school would say that " its who you know in the film business! " , " Good luck girl , that business is tough! " , but i didn't care what anyone said i was determined to get there and lord in behold I did! I got in, it was the greatest feeling . I worked with Saban entertainment for about 5 years and then worked at various shows , when they needed extra costumers . I then realized that i wanted more for myself . I needed to feel independent. I was a mom and a wife and fulfilled my goals and dreams of working in the film industry but i wanted more . I had always wanted to be a clothing designer , but being that i had went to design school there were always clicks and i was never in the calvin klein , donna karen groups , i was in the avangard groups the crazy designers with the cloaks as jackets , vampire collars as wearable clothing , its probably the stuff that kids buy at Hot Topic . I knew I was in a different market but I didn't know where , or what catagory i would be in . Now! i have discovered that there are entrapenuers that just make their crafts and they dont have to be the same stuff all the time! I thought? Awesome! theirs my market! So here I am today making stuff I love to do , on my own time so theres no excuses and really loving life!
This year is my daughters last year in high school , shes a senior . what this means for me is some scary kind of feelings , but I also know that its new beginnings for everyone in involved , for my husband , for my daughter and for me. My daughter , she will be going to Cal-Arts after she graduates from high school , she's studying to be a film maker/ director for films and she's really good she's got already two scholarships on her belt and an media award from her school , and my husband he's a musician and found a gig that will allow for touring and playing out all around town not to mention being able to freely songwrite without problems so thats awesome , and then theres ME , well I can say that now i can put all the family stuff aside and actually focus on my own art , that I really love sooo much . So here i go! watch me soar!

Thanks for listening!

Mary Ann of Chingy ching aka C3